by Zamounde Allie
"I hold these true's to be self-evident..." I was once a child seeking lifeís candy, but life was too demanding to fight it as I was born so I developed a shield to protect myself from this beast that comes in many forms. I reflect back to when I was a young boy. My being is the result of my response to those choices presented in life. All candy is not sweet when it comes to lifeís treat. Truthfully, I have been to the bottom, but never to the top; I do not however consider myself a bad person. I have no shame, for I have no game except for life. I know for a fact that our history must be readdressed in order to move forward (Sankofa).
My personal past had to be addressed in order for me to move on because if not I would hold on to that pain. We cannot dwell on the past this is true, but to hide from it is to be a fool. My goal is to make it to the top. I had to go back and get rid of the negative stuff. When I was four years old my aunt, who I am a year older than, pushed me inadvertently from an upstairs balcony; I forgave her. At the age of five I was a victim of a hit and run driver; I never saw the person so no image was formed to hate. I fought my own people because I wasnít dark enough; I forgave them also. At eleven I was half electrocuted in a bathtub by a lamp my younger brother hung over the tub because the main light had blown out; heís still my brother.
At thirteen, playing with bullets put a hole in my hand; I had to blame myself for that. At fourteen I looked into the eyes of a young lady who was raped, killed, and dumped in a field; I still carry her in my heart, and despise the perpetrator(s). For a four-year period I had lost my will and did whatever those around me did; I had no vision.
At twenty I was broke in two by a forklift accident, and only wanted to walk again; I'd questioned why it happened to me with no answer. Between and through all of that I had walked up and down the steps of a lifeís despair carrying a package, but because someone was always around whoíd cared I never went too far to the wayside, nor did I give in.
My main motivation is my internal drive built up over time. Iíd seen behind the door of my subconscious as if I was someone else and it scared me; Iím awake now. I donít like the world, but Iíve met some good people that keep me in step. I write on a lot of subjects to which talk about people problems, or life situations as if they are mine, because I want the reader/listener to feel it as if they were wearing those shoes. I refrain a lot from writing about my own life, even though I know that what I do write often includes me.
There is one story deep down inside of me that goes way back to the early seventies. We lived in this old apartment on the fourth floor in the hell of Detroit. My mother, three brothers, and I ( my sister being born later that year). There was this guy who (I guess with what I know now) only wanted to get with my mom. Well, he used to come around and ask her did she want anything from the store. One day Iíd went to the store with him and on the way back heíd asked me if I wanted some candy, well being a child of only about 6 at that time you know my answer was yes. He told me to close my eyes and hold out my hand so I did it with the anticipation of receiving some candy. Iíd opened my eyes real quick because what he put in my hand didnít feel right. It was his penis (the lust of man is hard to understand).
I was only a child then and still I knew it was wrong. At that time I thought that he was trying to pee on me. I never went to the store with him again. I remember him laughing and telling me not to tell my momís in a sincere but threatening manner. I donít know why I never told her about that. If summary execution were the order he would had received a bullet. What the hell is wrong with people!
I later went through some serious ups and downs myself trying to figure out life with this drive that society has towards the notion of sex/self. Playboy and all the other mediums hype up a man (boy) sexual drive beyond the normality of life; it was hard enough dealing with puberty. We as children experimented with half-knowledged sexual exploitations; chasing girls around trying to get what the norm (older boys) said was suppose to be done to become a man.
Mix that with the natural feelings that arises and you have a monster in the making. I remember this sistaí, who I felt for, had been ďtrainedĒ and a lot of the boys were bragging about it. I had mixed emotions for I liked her very much and at the same time knew that if I were there I probably would have had a hard time dealing with those fools (so-called peer pressure). Most of them (the older ones) were later charged with rape.
I ran into her sister some years later on my new block; I was glad to hear that she was all right. This society is very unhealthy for a child, and if no one nutures and protect the children they will be our future tormentors. What drives me/us? I really donít know, but we must check ourselves especially when it comes to the children. You grown ups bettaí quit messing up the children.
Iíd lied to myself for many years, and carried some painful fears; no more. Except for one, for I still have this feeling that someone will shoot me (A fear developed from family members and friends being shot and mutilated). I even wake up some nights after feeling the bullet pierce my soul. Iím not paranoid at all. No, for this is reality. I know that the evil men do is always close by. I realize the closeness of our life situations and the despair of lost souls.
So when I write on other peopleís life situations from a personal perspective I really do feel what Iím writing with the utmost sincerity. I hold no bars, and I definitely (with my openness) attempt to heal the scars. Life is what we make of it with what we have to survive in it. If we have nothing then we will accomplish something from nothing; falling short. We could either just give in to the craziness, or continue to fight for what little ground we have for happiness. I'm still stepping toward the truth.
What makes me tick? Expressing what travels through my heart. I claim no religious preference or faith. I do however understand that there is something greater than us pushing the buttons; I believe in God, but I give no name in human tongue. It hasnít been revealed to me. The Christians, etc.... will say that I am lost, but I am not. I just donít hear what they are saying to me in my heart. Iíve tried, and Iím still seeking (footstepping).
I was confronted once and asked "Who you supposed to be?" The person who'd asked that question wasnít really looking for an answer, but was simply trying to call me out. Fear mixed with boldness my answer was weak at that time, and nothing more than a quick comeback. If asked that same question today I would say, "Nobody! In a world of fake @#* somebody's" (excuse my English). You can't trade a bar of soap for a life on the streets, but you can in prison.
It is simply a matter of where you are standing. I feel trapped in can of taught garbage. Where is that child that knew nothing; that's who I'd like to be. My mind's in the past, and my heart's in the future.
What value do these futuriteís hold in their hearts who forget the past? None. All of the so-called greats in history received their calling, and all the infamous tyrants took it upon themselves to be "Great". I stand in the middle of these two types and weigh the factors, and when the right one gets heavy I shall heed to the left to even out it's weight. I am a footstepper on a journey seeking my calling. If you can stand on a scale against a feather and not out weigh it than feel free to judge me (The weighing of the soul from early pre-bible Kemitic belief).
I make no apologies for anything that I have written, for to the brain it came and to the hand I have sent it. I no longer lie to myself, for why should I; if the shoe fits Iíll wear it, but just because youíre selling doesn't mean that I'll buy it. I am compelled to write regardless of the rules. Whose to say where I'll be tomorrow. I may shock you. My past is my window to where I've been; to look back is to understand. All I know is that I was born into this world and needed to eat. Where I was placed was not up to me. I made it through a lot with a positive outlook. I hold these trues to be self-evident! I'm always one step behind, and two steps ahead of the game at the same time. Eye Speak!