November 12, 2002
I was in junior high school
when I started acting like a fool
I wanted to be top dog
so they gave me the name of boss hog.
It was Marijuana that came with cigarettes, then
popularity stood at my door.
Didntí last long
cause I was always laid out on somebodies floor.
I liked feeling good
I liked feeling free.
It seemed harmless enough to me
so I drank a few beers and gave pot a try.
Sometimes I woke up and I felt like I was gonna die.
Getting up I would light a joint.
Then I be on my way.
To my dismay
I started getting high everyday.
Everyone wanted to be my friend.
When I came around.
Cause if I had cash they knew I would throw down.
I was the life of the party back then.
So I thought.
It wasnít me they cared about
it was the things I bought.
No one knew my heart.
Despite all that I had done.
I was unhappy, lonely, empty.
And fun was no longer fun.
I consumed tranquilzers, speed, lsd and concaine,
often mixing them
by the grace of God I ainít insane.
Nearly every day
I got high.
Then I started going to jail.
Dope was the one thing I didnít sell.
How could I?
I smoked more then I could ever have sold
slowly I knew that I had lost control.
There was very few nights that I didnít carry the after affect.
I awoke hung over and reeking from
the stench of cigarettes
pot, booze and vomit. Was the odor my nose met.
sometimes I awoke in a place I didnít recognize,
or a pair of thighs.
or lying next to someone I didnít even know.
I would jump up and beat
it out of the door.
As I stepped over others on the floor.
I looked for love through ponograpy
most of the girl in my crowd
was now a bunch of rejects.
The more I looked the more I knew that I had messed up.
The more I sought a life worthy living
the further away I driffed...
all I found was emptiness, loneliness.
And myself in a great big mess.
I only wanted to get my life together.
But I didnít know how.
I lived a partying lifestyle for all of my junior years.
Filling my self with restarant foods, alcohol dope and beers.
Then one night of drinking and doing drugs.
The realization finally hit me hard
I had no one to love.
My ego was gone,
my self respect too.
I felt on my knees to pray there was nothing else to do.
I had to make a change
my life was completely messed up.
"Thou shalt have no other gods before me".
I heard loud and clear..
god opened my eyes to see
where I had come to stand.
my gods were sex, alcohol and drugs.
The position I sought did not belong to man.
Even though I stole
wealth I did not pursuit.
Just what I could get.
I used to do what I had to do.
It was only then that I came to know
my biggest god was me.
So was I
my own great enemy.
I had an unhealthy attitude
I was all ways filled with ungratefulness,
unkind words and occasional violent outbursts.
Then I got married
I carried my unhealthy attitude
lingering in my heart.
This attitude nearly tore my marriage apart.
"Husbands love your wive"
ephesians five and tweny five said to me.
"Just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her".
I finally learned to pray.
No longer did I want to throw my life away.
Lord help me to love my wife as you love the church.
Help me to be sensitive to her needs
and to be the husband that you have called me to be.
I offered a poor male role model to her son.
When I stepped into fatherhood
with little previous involvement in his life.
For I had took his mother to be my wife.
All at once I found my self a son, daughter and a wife.
Now I knew I had to seek the Christ.
Just as I began to learn to be the father God wants me to be.
I went to jail and I was no longer to be free.
Unto this day I sat behind bars.
With the promise of a judge
that I would never walk the earth freely again.
What I donít understand is how one man
can determine my destiny
cause this time I committed no crime
but I am doing the time.
now I sat in hell
for a crime I did not do
so here I am.
I give my testimony publicly.
To children and parents
hoping it will help them by keeping them free.
I write them out and hope they will help somebody like me.
I left chicago thinking I would find peace.
I prayed and renounced all ties to my past lifestyle,
in hope at last Iíd find liberty
restating my commitment before God for him to serve.
I try here in prison to keep from seeing myself in hell.
Breaking loose from the final tie to my past
I made a change
a new man
a new creature
reaching towards a new beganing.
I expected peace
as I was lifted to a new level
I was thrown in jail.
Where I sat now.
Living in a stage of heaven hell.
The only reason that I ím alive today
is Godís grace,
and unconditional love for me.
I regret not taking his hand earlier in my life,
I regret that I threw away my youth
for disobedience there is a great price.
My intentions as I moved to this new town
was to take hold of my life
and be a good husband to my wife
father to our children
as the Word say.
Instead I went out one night and the devil was there
he took my life
at a corner bar
no evanglizing, no motivational or seminar speaker I was to be.
The devil laughted as they arrested me.
But the joke is on him cause even in here I am free.
I minister to all that come my way.
I evanglize, and testify, about the grace of God
and how I his son broke his heart.
I ím forever grateful that he never gave up pursing me.