I Don't Understand

by Vanessa Richardson

She was numb with disbelief. Coming to a stand still. Awareness had begun to set in. She was in the park. The park was one of her favorite places to go. The park for her represented life. So many people from all walks of life, did just that, brought life to the park. Gales of laughter could be heard from various directions. From a little boy who was running after his new pet dog. To that of a little girl whose mother was teaching her how to skate. She sighed... "Yes, my park of life."

Only today there was no life in the park. For it was the winter season. There was an overcast to the sky. The park looked bare. Bare. Swallowing hard a tremor was beginning to course through her body. Her park was barren as was she. The tears began to flow and she did nothing to stop them. She needed them to flow and flow they did. Her mind went back to her previous conversation with her doctor twenty minutes ago.

"Ms. Henry, the medicine is just not working. The tumors haven't dried up and it has been over a month now." Dr. Handson looked at the young woman across from her desk with compassionate eyes and continued on. "Our only option now is the Hysterectomy as soon as possible."

Alora Henry could not believe this was happening to her. She wanted to look behind her to be sure that her doctor was actually addressing her. This just could not be happening to her. Not her. The one who always did good. The one who wouldn't harm a flea. The one who attended church religiously. No, it can't be. But it was. She would never have a child. The decision was taken from her. Fate had dealt her a cruel hand. She would never nurture a baby from her womb. NEVER.

"Doctor, I can't make any hasty decisions right now. I would like some more time to think about it please." Dr. Handson's eyes...those compassionate eyes of hers blinked once. "Ms. Henry, I know this is hard for you considering you've never had any children. But as your doctor I must stress to you, that timing is important now. Call me and we can set up an appointment for your surgery. Until then here are some brochures about the procedure."

Alora couldn't speak fearing that she'd start sobbing right there. Nodding her head she stood collecting her things trying desperately to hold herself together. Winter. I am in a winteric state. Cold. I am so cold. The wind began to pick up strength pulling at her leather coat. Ignoring it, her tears continued to flow. Alora looked upward at the sky as if it held the answers to her dilemma. She then began to yell at the heavens. "I Don't Understand!" Over and over those words became her mantra. Collapsing onto a nearby bench in exhaustion she began to breath in and out in an attempt to calm herself.

Time had lapsed; how much she may never know. There came a change from within. Strange for that was what that moment will forever be known as. There settled a calmness within her. Looking up toward the heavens a bird was flying high. Not in a circular motion. It was flying high. Higher and higher it flew. It was free. Her soul longed for that high. She wanted to be free. She wanted to fly high above the problems. Above the disappointment. Above the rejection. She didn't want this problem. Didn't ask for this problem. She wanted to fly. She stood proudly to her feet giving life to her self declaration. The force of the wind could be felt as it whipped her scarf into the air. She made no attempt to capture it. "Be free," she whispered. She made a decision. "I will fly too," she rasped. "I want to live quality of life so I will take the operation and live." At her claim there came a feeling. It was a tingling sensation that began to course through her. She recognized now. It was the feeling she gets when she has accomplished something.

It was warmth. "I will not be defeated or robbed from the joy motherhood! I would adopt." She laughed at the image that played out in her mind, she was holding a beautiful baby girl. "I can adopt. I will adopt! My baby is out there waiting on me." Alora leaped joyously. Retreiving her cellular from her bag she dialed Dr. Handson. "Yes, this is Ms. Henry and I would like to schedule an appointment for surgery."

I Don't Understand by Vanessa Richardson

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