Damn! I'm 50 and Fabulous
by Kimberly M. Thompson
My epiphany began with a prayer and asking for a few mindless days during the last five days of 2006. I didnít mean mindless as in blank page but clear from worry. Also I chose to exercise the art of not carrying everyoneís stress around with me like luggage. You see the last three months of 2006 were emotionally horrendous. There was the break up of a loving relationship. The breakdown of my daughter in addition to the shared care and concern for her, her children and my mother. And the last straw was the massive stroke of a best friend. I wouldnít say things were much better but somewhat stable, for the time being. It became clear what needed to happen for me to keep my own sanity. I had to decrease, let go, step back, get out of the way and let God do what he do! I had said many times ďLord, Iím giving this to you!Ē I call myself surrendering. But I really wasnít. What I was doing was giving it to him temporarily and then I would pick it back up. My best girlfriend from childhood who is now one of my guardian angels made that statement to me in the midst of her illness once. Not until these last few months did I truly understand the meaning of her words.
It seems as though the very next day after asking for those mindless days when I would feel those dreaded thoughts begin to creep back in, an invisible curtain would come down and shut them out. Therefore my mind was able to rest for a short time. I went to Watch Night for New Yearís Eve and even convinced a friend to come with me. It was then when I sealed my request.
I began to seriously write a little over a year ago. Iíve always written personally for self gratification. Now Iím back to my constant routine of journaling. And in this time of renewal Iíve chosen to create more essays and poetry. Iíve even pulled out some of my old work for freshening up. Before then, it never occurred to me that I could work this creative writing situation. Now that Iím coming into my 50th year, self realization was coming at me strong. Strange things began happening to me, around me and in me. If you decide to be still for a while you may realize there are messages being sent to you all the time. Itís your job to be open enough to accept them. For a couple of months I had been saying to myself that I was sensing prosperity all over me. Something was about to happen. I would say it, then just let it go. There were whispers all around me in church, TV ministry and synchronous activity back to back. The same statements kept being presented to me in some way, shape or form. ďGet out of the way. After you have done everything that you know how to do, to get to the next level you must decrease, let go, step back and let God do what he do!Ē The other message that kept ringing in my ear and being said to me was, ďItís your time now!Ē I felt as though if I didnít pay attention to this call I would be in trouble.
Now here we are at my birthday weekend. The weekend of January 12th through the 14th, which is my actual birthday? I take off that Friday and that Monday so I can have a mini celebration vacation. That Friday morning when I woke up I was in a state of Grace. I felt so grateful to be in that space I was in. Though life was not the way I had planned it, Iím still blessed. And still there was the sense of prosperity around the corner. Thank goodness I still was able to keep distance between me and the drama swirling in my life. But this weekend was going to be all about me!
As my 50th year was being granted to me, my wishes were for better health, better business ventures, more love, a love thatís mine, a relationship restored, and for the fragments of my childís mind to be mended. I also wished for my friend who had suffered the stroke to come back with his mind and body intact and my written word to blossom and explode. I want faith to sustain me, to receive full harvest and to let abundance cause my cup to runneth over. Let this be MY year of firsts and greats.
The day before my birthday, which was Saturday, was going to be my big celebration day. When I woke up I felt surprisingly anxious. There were random thoughts, unknowing excitement, ease and hopefulness. There were warm fuzzies and non-descript pop ups. Like bubbles. You know what this was...internal happiness. This was completely generated without any outside stimuli. How amazing. It had been so long since I felt these things all together. I didnít know what was going on. All I knew is that if felt good to be so light of heart about nothing in particular. My heart feels and my face looks 30 if I must say so myself. O.K...35. I still look good. As Iím preparing for dinner with the girls, I kept looking at myself as Iím doing my hair, my makeup and getting dressed. I was becoming beautiful. I am beautiful. Inside out and outside in. This was the first time that I had allowed myself to be fully conscious of the vanity Iíd engulfed myself in while feeling my ďALL THATNESSĒ. I felt so full I couldíve exploded. I was literally in another zone. There was an abundance of feelings swirling around me that day. It was a sense of peace, happiness and thankfulness. It felt as though something had peeled away.
Dinner was great with my sister/friends. I think of us as a younger version of the Golden Girls, thatís how tight we are. When they saw me they immediately commented on how pretty I looked. And if 50 does all that then they want some too! They noticed my ALL THATNESS too. I figure I was standing just a little bit taller. I felt a little extra cuter. And the celebration continued. On my birthday the first thing I did when I opened my eyes was to say ďThank YouĒ and a prayer. Just because Iím here. My childhood friend and now guardian angel didnít make it to 50 and I just knew she would be here with me at this most special time of my life. She would have turned 50 one month before me. It goes to show you that tomorrow is not promised. You need to handle your business, whatever it is. The next thing was church and dinner with another friend and her family. It was a wonderful way to bring in my 50th birthday.
I had nothing specific planned for my Monday off. I called it my mental health day. In quiet intervals throughout the day it would hit me, ďDAMN! Iím 50Ē. All day introspection was swirling around me like a gentle hurricane. I felt this shiny and new sensation. Something internal had occurred. I felt calmer, more defined and more aware of my physical self. My spiritual self seemed to have opened up. I was feeling expansion. Iíve learned to listen to the whispers. Decreasing in some areas has opened me in others. Prosperity is positioning itself within. I feel super sensitive to the touch like thereís a current inside. I was literally feeling rushes. All of this Iím describing is only the surface of the unexplainable depth of the physical sensations I was feeling. 50 is a milestone to be reckoned with. And you know what? I didnít feel any type of way for the disconnections I needed to make this weekend personally glorious.
I was in a pure state of internal happiness and I want to visit there often, much more often. Itís true when you turn 50 you feel that you donít have to do anything that you donít want to do. Even if youíve always been your own person youíre even more so now. Right now itís all about ME! The celebrations continued throughout the week with several other friends taking me out to dinner to celebrate my 50th. I felt so, so very special. Iím pretty much a background kind of person so all this attention was a little overwhelming. All I know is something was birthed in me and through me during this time of decrease and expansion. Itís my turn now! Thatís how I feel. Like... ďITíS TIME FOR MY CLOSE UP MR. DEMILLEĒ.
While coming down from all the celebrating the week after my birthday the unbelievable happens. I think I mentioned that I am an aspiring writer. Iím very new to the game. Sending out a few pieces and queries with the knowledge that rejection is ninety-eight percent of the process. Every exercise is a lesson learned. I sent a short story to an extremely well known author, editor and publisher. There was a submission call with a four to five month response period. So I sent this piece out with no expectations at all. This isnít even my typical genre I write in. I figure it to be a big lesson in the publishing game.
My editing skills had to be above and beyond the call of duty, working on a deadline and specific word count. Well, one week to the day after my birthday I received a late night e-mail from the publisher of the submission call. When I saw where it came from I said, ďO.K. form letter, rejectionĒ. It was far too early for a response. It had only been a month from the mailing. When the first word I read was, ďCONGRATULATIONSĒ. I screamed. Suddenly there was a burst of emotions. Through the tears I could barely read that my story had been chosen from hundreds of submissions. I was one of twenty-four chosen. I didnít believe it even though I was reading it. Then I saw the word ďcontracts, see attachedĒ. All I kept saying was, ďOH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!Ē I was going to be published! I knew something was coming I felt it. I kept sensing something was about to happen. God had been showing up and showing out in small increments and I learned to not take any thing for granted.
As I said before Iím very new to the game so for me to be picked up so quickly I feel this had nothing to do with me. This was way out of my hands. But I know one thing the vision I had forty eight days previous to the receiving of this e-mail came true. I had it all written down in my journal. Almost word for word. How I created the piece I sent. The congratulatory announcement came in a letter in the vision. The screaming and crying when I realized what I was reading. The vision and the reality were so close to exact that when I came across this journal entry it sat me down with my mouth open. I wrote this story to show how the Lord works. The feeling of prosperity was all over me for some reason and still is. Some other difficult stumbling blocks have come up along the way. But no one said there still will not be trials and tribulations. But you can weather the storm a little easier if you learn to get out of the way of your own self sometimes. I just didnít know who, when, why, how or where. I saw the vision and it has been realized. Now the whirlwind of authorship continues. This is only the beginning. Thatís what 50 have done for me and itís FABULOUS.