You covered my vulnerability
Instead of deception.
Already, you are my first
In many ways…
Let us pretend that the moment is passed.
That we are no longer wet with the softness of dawn
That the harshness of the sun's judgement
has dried the oils that would have made our slipping easy
and our fall pleasure
The image of my heart and arms … and legs outstretched
Grasping wildly at ways to bring you into me
Can be forgotten now.
Even as I forget dreams of ecstasy
In this harsher light of reality.
The scorn of the sun
Would have scorched my skin
Had you not thought to protect me.
I am glad for your respect
It shields me from burning rays
Even as it cools my passion
Even as the shame
that my mamma taught me to have for my desires
where I had doused it slowly with dripping need
You protect me from the gaze of the world
Their opinion of my innocence is tainted
It lacks the roses that frame my own vision
I only wanted to hold you with my thighs
Not fuck you – but everything looks wrong in the sunlight
And intentions get misconstrued
My mamma would never understand.
Your averted desire
Shielded my secretions
Until I recovered the strength
To collect shards of hope – put them into my backpack.
Like a good girl.
Recite the week's verse,
"I will pretend that I don't love you more for your virtue". Ten times.
I know I will be tested.
Re-lace my heart strings,
Lock away unknown pleasures, hidden again
Between the folds of my innocence.
Drape my body with navy-blue overalls
A little rumpled in places, but hopefully not scarred
Anywhere permanent. Some things lost cannot be recovered.
I want to pout,
Wound myself with accusations of rejection
But how can I?
When clearly your sacrifice
is to be closer to me
than my body would allow
I am willing to walk beside you
I will try to keep my love to myself.
Just let me hold your hand
So that in moments of weakness
I can extend that touch
To places I couldn't mention in my mamma's house.
If you see me smile, don't ask why…
Only continue to support my hand with your strength.
But take care, that you touch only there
Lest our façade of restraint falls away.
A setting sun will not burn
And the night has promised to conceal