Indecisive

by Shani Cruz


(for Buzzy)


Creating memories
through eyes of sunshine
You are my ______________
fill in the blank ?
question mark that
causes 3 am mumbling or
daydreaming sighs while
my professor rambles
Scrambling my
adolescent prejudice
I'm not writing again
until I process the
meaning behind this
fever running down my back
and restrained independence
How could you ever understand
Making love to me
is poetry
kissing my head or
Jill Scott slow dance
but why put the task on you
When I fantasize or analyze
the possibility of me and
independence making happy reality
Used to settle when I was fifteen
Crying for male pulses
Hoping for my year 18
thinking everything would be
if not happy but definitely
Easy or atleast the beginning
of something other than desperation
Finally graduated to indecisiveness
I hate this maze of not knowing
Unsure of what it means to mature
How can I tell you how
I feel when I'm not sure
cause it's scary
to look at you
Light causes blurs
and when you hold me
my stress disappears
using your fingers
as bandages
Brown sweetness
is what you call me
How can I place you
in a category
Is it A
B or C
Each with distinguished
differences leaving
more confusion
So
What about us
and what if
you weren't leaving
and what if weren't
so close through
distant worlds
Would you still
whine if I
couldn't see you
Would you recite
poetry until I
finally kissed
the message out
of your mouth
Would you believe me
if I told you that
we were forever friends
and accept it under its
conditions or attempt to
change my feelings
Alter my state of knowledge
to fit the model you have
Only know you through spirit
Scared to truly touch you anywhere
The thought of innocence lost
premature makes me cringe
cause it's like I said before
If you've only been
limited to one thing in life
However dysfunctional
Of course anything else
is frightening
It's called growing up
and although I'm grown
I still feel young and
cute like I was five
You live your life
Just started mine
Not trying to make you
feel bad or less of a man
I know you want to watch
me blossom cause my potential
is as bright as your eyes
and these candles as you read
Don't stay in the dark
and me...
Well
I do know that
this must be something
cause I just don't
write for anybody
and do know that
the love you send
through listening
is appreciated


Indecisive by Shani Cruz

© Copyright 2001. All rights reserved. No portion of this work may be duplicated or copied without the expressed written consent of the author.



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