An Allowance

by Niki Bell de Castanon

I am allowed to move,
I am allowed to speak only when spoken to,
I am allowed to place,
I am allowed to be,
I am allowed to seek and explore only within boundaries,
I am allowed to not ask but answer,
I am not me,
Only half fulfilled,
There is something wrong when the tired soul knows such tragedy,
In the shadows no light shown,
Making my way,
Stripping the skin and exposing bones of reality,
And I asked the Lord,
Help me find a way,
I will have no remorse,
For leaving the grave that has buried me,
That I built,
In clouds where deep troubles lie,
The harder I try,
The tougher the struggles,
I am allowed only to recede,
I am allowed to do many things within boundaries,
Of gender roles,
In the household,
In the mind, poverty, babies,
And when the mind is crazed,
Breaks down,
I recluse, I humble,
I retract, and live again,
I refuse the offering dear Lord that you have bestowed upon,
The hard life is not mine to own, to keep,
I fit not in place,
I speak, move, and that is what makes me be.
But, I am allowed to... he let's me...
Will not be my life story,
And we lived happily,
No, I would rather live in the realms of peace,
I seek, I explore,
And to all women,
What will your story read?
After he cut my flesh and tore my left breast,
I survived,
I should of... would of... could of...
I need not worry...
Bruises of the heart,
Glimpses of hell,
May God have mercy on all of us,
Who have lost,
For the first time I realize,
Failure is good,
And action is better,
Dear Lord according to your world of words 
my positive actions continue to keep me complacent,
When you do not hear my prayers,
When I open the prison gates what a glorious day it will be,
For all of us,
I am allowed to cook...
I am allowed to clean...
I am allowed to dream...
And the Lord and he keeps me confined to boundaries,
And it is I who must keep me (unspoken proverb),
It is I...
The pearly gates of prison OPENED!
To be continued....

An Allowance by Niki Bell de Castanon

© Copyright 2004. All rights reserved. No portion of this work may be duplicated or copied without the expressed written consent of the author.

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