Fat Ernest

by Doug Holloway

Hot as hell. Food stamp clients back to back and all of em Mexican. The last thing I need, to cap off this day, is car trouble. Wouldn't you know thats exactly what I got. I'm going to try this guy Lesslie recommended. With a name like "FAT ERNEST," anything goes anyway!

Pulling into the driveway, I had to dodge the pot holes and pit bulls. Why did I listen to Lesslie, this guy better be good! Wheres the damn office, its too hot for this. "Put it right over there under that birch tree. It's a little cooler over there."

"You FAT ERNEST" I asked?

"Only personal friends call me that! You must be Pilgrim."

"Only personal friends call me that!"

"Okay, okay, its hot and I didn't know what to expect. Now if you don't mind would you pull over there and pop the hood so I can take a look at the carburetor?"

As I pulled the hood, he opened the car door and said, "you want to wait in the office, it might get kinda hot out here?"

I said "Thats okay I want to see what you're doing anyway." Then I turned to get out of the car and my legs slightly parted as I put one foot on the ground. Damn this skirt. I hope he don't think I was flirting. From the look on his face though, thats exactly what he thought as he helped me from the car. The fact that I had no underwear on probably inspired him somewhat too. But hell it was too hot for panties and he didn't have no business looking anyway.

When he recovered from that awkward moment he smiled and I nearly melted, and not from the sun. I asked about the talisman around his neck just trying to make conversation. He said "Oh, is that what this is? My daughter made it for me in her 5th grade art class. I've worn it on and off over 9 years now and its been nothing but an "albatross" to me. Its brought me bad luck and good. But I'm a Black man and I wouldn't have it any other way! Now let me look under your dres.....I mean your hood, I'm sorry." He blushed and smiled again and the temperature rose another 10 degrees.

Ten minutes later, he was done. "Okay its 4:15 now if you hurry you can be back here by 6." What the hell are you talking about? How'd you know my name and how much do I owe you anyway?"

"Your friend Lesslie called and told me you'd be by. She asked me to take a look at the car and you and see if I could fix either. Now I dee jay on week ends down at the GAY HAWK LOUNGE. I spin a mean turntable they tell me, but it sure would mean a lot to me to hear it from you. You can get home, cool out a little and be back here by 6 to get me and by 7:30/8 o'clock, I should have my shit set up and ROCKING THE HOUSE, if that's okay with you?

Now say bye, I got a few more things to do before I lock up. I just reset the idle screw on your carburetor. I'll only charge you your time, okay? Now please say Bye and I'll see you at 6. I got back in the car and when he closed the door my face was at crotch level. Oh my GOD, now I see why the girls call him FAT ERNEST. As I roared out of the driveway, I couldn't help but think "I'd better hurry, wouldn't want to keep FAT ERNEST waiting."

Editor's Note: This story was first published on the TimBookTu Discussion Board under the Word Games...Just For Fun Forum and the Serendipitous Nouns topic heading. In this forum, two sets of three unrelated nouns are provided and the author must create a story using these nouns. The main purpose of the Serendipitous Nouns writing exercise is to offer the writer a starting point for creating a story. The nouns were highlighted in the story to help you see how they were used. In this story, the nouns were: pilgrim, carburetor, birch, talisman, turntable, albatross.

Fat Ernest by Doug Holloway

© Copyright 2008. All rights reserved. No portion of this work may be duplicated or copied without the expressed written consent of the author.

TimBookTu Logo

Return to the Table of Contents | Return to Main Page