Close Your Legs And Pick Up Uh Book (Part 1)
by Henry Hardee
Them boys she like ain't gonna amount to a hill of beans.
The most they gon' do is selling seven dollar matching XXL tee shirts (with a picture of a dollar bill on it and the words "Money Talks and Bullshit Walks" on the front of them") and one-size-fits-all baseball caps up and down Kedzie and she gonna be the Queen of Burgerland. She ain't gonna be able to afford nothin' to eat that don't come out of "BK's", "Mickey D's" and "Wendy's".
Them boys gonna teach huh a hard lesson, "You got to pay for everything you get in this world!"
She ain't gonna learn 'til one of them sheik wearing gangstas with nasty mouths that be using the "N" word, "B" word, "S" word, "F" word and the "MF" word in everything beat ten pounds off of huh and have tears streaming down her face like she was eating some butt-kicking hot sauce on some Cheetos.
She needs to hold herself to a higher standard.
She needs a boy who can keep his pants zipped, somebody whose gonna stick with huh when times get rough, somebody who will understand huh, somebody honest and sincere, somebody she can trust, somebody who knows how to talk to huh, somebody who knows how to open his heart. She need a boy who got his head together and ready to settle down with just one girl.
She needs be out heah trying to get a decent boy that's gonna grow into a BMW (Black Man Working.)
With God as my secret judge, she ain't gonna get pregnant up in heah, she ain't gonna be droppin' babies on me to take care of. I will put a surveillance camera on huh behind so I can keep an eye on huh. It seems the more I tell huh the smaller huh brain gets--it's like she smoking weed.
No, no, no I do not want her to be a single mother of 8, 9, 10 kids!
No, no, no I don't want to see huh tied up in no "Baby Daddie Drama" where he ain't gonna stick around and gonna hem and haw, duck and dodge his child support payments and blame huh for getting pregnant, who's gonna act like he don' done something big cause he bought the baby pampers and milk two weeks ago and don't realize his chile has to eat and pee every day.
She don't know how good she got it. I've moved mountains for huh, made the hard things in life easy enough for huh to swallow. She been truly blessed. She ain't nevah had to want for nothin'. She ain't nevah had to ask how much something costs. I ain't never told her, "Naw, I don't have the money!"
I have done the best I can by huh. I raised her in a good Christian home and gave her a good foundation. I want huh to have a home in Glory. She should be grateful but she think she grown. She smellin' her own stank.
Things been falling apart between me and huh for a long time. It all started when she started congregating with her girlfriends. She wants to do what they do, dress the way they do, listen to the same music as they do (gospel jazz) but I ain't gonna let her bring their wicked ways up in my house. I will send huh ta meet the Maker myself before I let that happen!
I know the devil trying to get ahold on her by just looking at huh hair.
She don't know what she want to do with huh head. One day it's waves and the next day it's wigs and the next day it's a weave. She going to that Korean Beauty Supply Store up on Madison and Pulaski getting fake hair, horse hair that she get packed up on her head until it is 2 feet tall. I don't know what they do to it but it don't even move when the wind blow on it.
She asked me for three hundred dollars to go get her hair fixed. I cut huh dead. Only the devil would make huh ask me sumpthin' like that. I wasn't gonna waste my money like that. Honey, my gas bill don' tripled and Com Ed is kicking my tail. I ain't gonna be sittin' up in a house with the gas shut off and the lights turned out so she can look like she got a bee hive on huh head. I don't know what's wrong with huh. Don't she know she ain't nevah gonna get a job looking huh hair looking like that!
I know the devil trying to get ahold on huh.
I know the devil has struck huh with his trickery by looking at the clothes she like. She spend hours thinking about what she going to put on. What she gonna put on is gonna be next to nothing. It's gonna be skimpy and showin' off her legs, showin' off her butt and showin' off her cleavage. She says, "I gotta use what I got to get what I want!"
She loves to wear sleeveless shirts with the first three buttons undone, tamk tops, halter tops, V-necks and keyhole body suits. Them ruffnecks, goons and ganstas be looking at her like she a chocolate creme Oreo and want to eat huh up.
She trying to look like one of them hoochies you see in them billboards advertising alcohol--"Alize--DELICOUSLY ALLURING!"
She trying to look like Janet Jackson half-nekkid on an album cover--"ALL FOR YOU!"
She wears fake diamond studs and hoop earrings. She wears "Metal Six" eye shadow, "Sunkissed" bronzing powder, glaze lip gloss and takes a bath with liquid crystals.
When I get on huh she says, "It's a free country. I can dress anyway I want!" and I say, "Not is my house. I'll eat raw hog maws before I see you turn out to be one of those HOLLYWOOD FREAKS!" She calls herself a flllllly girl-- she bettah flllllly outta heah with all that mess.
The girl is deep. She says the way I think is played out. She don't like what I say but that don't stop me from saying it,
"Girl, there is more out heah ta life than hanging out with your girlfriends, chasing after them lil' punks and going to all them parties and club shaking your behind and talking about getting your groove on and doing the "Cha Cha Slide."
Girl, you gonna end up in jail, dead or broke! Do you want to be riding on the Cook County Sheriff's bus and picking up trash in uh parking lot wearing an orange vest with yellow strips on it. Do you wanna be pushin' up daisies? Do you wanna have to get on welfare and use a Link card for the next five years when your clock runs out. I want you to be able to live comfortably for the rest of your life.
Girl, how you gonna make it once you leave my house? What you gon do? Get with one of them trifling niggah. Feed your mind. Feed your Spirit. Do something with yourself!
Girl, you too selfish. You don't want to do nothing unless it's your way. Let me tell you something, there are gonna be alot of things out heah that you ain't gonna want to do but you gonna have to do to make a living. You think I like going to work. I want to tell them at my job to go to hell every day but you need clothes. Help me Lawd, I be ready to rrrrumble all over the place from the time I step in the door untils the time I SLAM the door in their faces.
She don't want me to be around huh. She says I'm making huh life a living hell" cause "I'm trying to control huh every move". She says she's under duress. Says living with me is like serving a life sentence in Menard Correction Center. She always saying, "Git off my case! Git outta my Face! I ain't gonna listen to that so-call preacher you give all yo' money to!"
My soul is crying out for huh to change!
I'm gon' pray and preach until she is clothed with the power from on high, until the yoke of bondage that's got her bound is broken by the Holy Spirit. I'm gonna do all I can to show her that she needs to get right with God. I'm gonna take her to the Gospel Festival at Malcolm X College, take her to the Gospel Festival at Grant Park, take her to the gospel musical, "Mama I didn't Mean To Hurt You" amd make her bath in that Holy Anointed Oil that I got from that preacher that came up heah from Baton Rouge, La.--HALLELUJAH!
I have wept and fasted [a resounding gospel organ chord.]
I have wept and prayed.
I've go to trust in your guidance, Lord [a resounding gospel organ chord.]
Lord, I know you using my daughter to test my faith.
Lord, I know you gonna send me a word verse to get me through this.