Close Your Legs And Pick Up Uh Book (Part 1)
by Henry Hardee
"Children obey your parents, this is the right thing to do because God has placed them in authority over you. Honor your father and mother. This is the first of God's Ten Commandments that ends with a promise. And this is the promise: that if you honor your father and mother, yours will be a long life, full of blessing. And now a word to your parents. Don't keep on scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and resentful. Rather bring them up with the loving discipline the Lord himself appr oves, with suggestions and Godly advice. Ephesians 6 1-4
All hell broke loose at my house this morning! [ a resounding gospel organ chord!]
My daughter drew her fist back like she was gonna hit me because I said that bald-headed baby boy that be flexing his biceps all up in huh face had bad breath.
She was using her arms and hands to tell me off, "Stop butting inta my business!" Huh head kickstand to the side and huh neck swooshed.
I was like, "What, wha', what!"
I was like, "No, no , no she didn't!"
I said, "Girl, how you gonna play me? I feed you, you don't feed me!. Don't nobody talk to me like that in my own house!"
She was acting like a dog getting ready to bite and I popped her one before she knew it. Popped huh quick, fast and in a hurry. I hit huh like uh ton of bricks.
I had to put her in check. She thinks I'm a poot-butt because I believe in God.
She didn't think I would buss her head open and try to splatter her brains all over the place like bird dukie on an "EL" platform. I could see it in huh face.
I took her to the emergency room at the Cook County Houspital and told the police what I did to her. She my chile and can't nobody tell me what to do with her. Arrest me! Put me on WVON's Cliff Kelly show, put me in the Defender paper, put me on the evening news with Diann Burns and I'll tell them why I did it. She don' forgot that she living in God's House. Me and Jesus make the rule book heah. Me and Jesus lay down the law. Me and Jesus pronouce the final verdict.
I don' been through what she going through--been there, done dat. So what if I get on huh nerves. I'm gonna stay on huh nerves until she act like she got some sense.
It ain't huh place to tell me what my place is. It is my place to tell huh what huh place is.
I made grilled cheese sandwiches and cut them into four squares for huh when she was little, made her huh favorite dessert: strawberry jam, cream cheese and Cool Whip on a graham cracker crust every time we came home from seeing the doctor about her asthma and she got the gall to try and tell me and Jesus what to do!
All she wanna do is eat, buy clothes and talk on the phone with her girfriends.
All she wanna do is sleep all day, turn over fart and snore.
She ain't gonna be just layin' around doing nothin', she gonna be doing something. She gonna take her behind to somebody's school or get on somebody's J-O-B.
I don't know what be on that girl's mind. When them boys come around it's like she gives up thinking, it's like something cut off the flow of blood ta huh brain.
I came home from work and found huh in my living room with huh hands all over this dreadlocked dawg with big brown eyes who was chilling in my lazy boy, sippin on a forty ounce, watching the game (on my TV) and talking to another girl on his cell phone right in front of huh. I had a fit.! I don't want every Joe Blow on the street coming into my house when I ain't home.
She says she wanna be loved.
I tell huh I love huh every time I buy those big bags of sunflower seeds that she eats like they going out of style and I find the shells all over the house.
She says that I don't love huh.
She think them boys love huh cause they say, "Baby, you hotter than hot!", "Baby, You Bing 'N Tasty" and "Baby, you got Unlimited Mmmmms Per Hour" like she a hamburger.
Them punks got her head in the clouds. She giggles when they call her "Nasty Girl" and "Bottylicious." She ain't strong enough to say "No!" to them when they call her "Honey" and whisper in huh ear, "You all the girl I need."
It's like she ain't got nothing goin' on upstairs. all they gotta say is "Wasssuuup?" and she gets star-crossed. when they sweet talk huh it seems to trick huh brain like drugs do and make huh feel good about huhself, make huh feel like she belongs on the label of uh beauty care product.
She worries about the way she looks. Huh pretty face and tight stomach ain't enough for huh. I tell huh that going to Bible Study will make her more beautiful because if you no good on the inside you can't look good on the outside and that the Scriptures and prayer will give her face a glow that none of that skin cream she uses will but she don't believe me.
I don't want to see huh putting all huh time and energy into one of them straight thugs calling theyselves "Afro Thunder" and wearing braids, loud colored clothes and rubies in they mouthes.
I don't want to see huh pining and runnin' after one of those poor skinny boys calling theyselves "Big Willy" cause they think they got something inside they sagging pants. I keep trying to tell her that if she keep messing with them boys she gonna be disappointed and end up with a house full of unpaid bills and a lousy job, like me but she don't listen.
I don't want to see huh seeing one of them fertile, drug addict, deadbeat community college so-call poets living under State supervision (house arrest) wearing kufis and gettin' huh all hyped up about some poem he don' stole out of some magazine, "I feel you inside me, smooth and mellow and doin' what a cool breeze does to the sea"-- if she wants some romace she better go get the Bible and read the Song of Solomon.
I don't want to see huh get hurt by one of them, scrub Hip-Hop heads wearing red, black and green selling body oilsm, incense and books on the train and lying to huh about taking huh to experience Africa-- if she wanna know about Africa she better go to the Field Museum.
Boys like dat ain't gonna treat huh right cause they ain't got no kinda feelings. I tell huh, "If you lie down with dawgs you gon' get fleas!
Boys like that ain't gonna do nothing for huh but have huh pullin' huh hair out, tossing and turning in bed and wind-up overworked and underpaid like me but she don't "feel" what I'm saying. I tell huh, "GIRL, CLOSE YOUR LEGS AND PICK UP A BOOK."