Dedicated in honor of Lionel Ray Bolar
Feburary 3, 2008
How ironic it happened on the same month
That I met him almost thirty eight years ago
He died and left me behind after letting me know
How much he still loved me and never wanted to
Let me go.
He and I werenít lovers any more
We were just more than friends:
I never knew I was afraid of anything until now.
When I knew he was going to die.
I never knew how deep I could hurt
Or of the ripping pain inside
I hurt so bad inside until I could no longer cry
Like a knife ripping in my heart
While pins and needles
Punching within my brain
I couldnít get pass the pain that without Bolar
I would never be the same.
My one fear is that when he dies I'll be alone.
The possibility that I might never see him
Or hold him again frightens me
More than anything ever has.
I didn't know what I would do
Until it happened, and then real pain began
I heard voices screaming in my head
I heard voices whispering Catherine I am not dead
But I knew the conversation on the phone
With his daughter Tamala told me that Bolar
Had gone and left me alone.
His voice I could identify,
But others were strange.
I felt so much pain.
I perceived a presence at my elbow,
Lightly stroking my hand telling me he love me
But I must let him go.
I opened my eyes and all I could see
Was a vision of Bolar standing next to me.
A table full of flowers and some boxes that
Looked like they might contain candy.
Was just sitting there.
How long had they been there
And where did they come from
Something was wrong.
My nights and my days all seemed the same
All I could think of was there is no one to love me
Now, no one to care If I live or die.
Other than my children and their children
I was alone with my visions, and dreams
And all those painful memories and things
No one to call me all hours of the night
No one to just love me just because;
Bolar was always here, even now heís here
Sitting beside me
Smiling at me
Loving me from afar
Whispering to me
He apparently didn't notice the stoplight,
I died he said to me
And yet, I still live.
I am not truly dead
As long as I live in the thoughts of living people
I am a disembodied
I became an astral mass of disconnected emotions,
Free to move about
While remaining in a conscious state.
I am with you Catherine
As I was with my daughter, our son,
My sisters and my brothers
As they went into shock.
I was with you Catherine and your hot tears
Kissing them away as you allowed them to drop.
I was with you my friends when you heard the news.
I was there, and I shared your thoughts and your feelings,
Just as I did my brothers and sisters
I observe all your actions Ė
But none of you of course, knew anything of this.
I found that my consciousness could only center
On one person at a time, and that I could only travel
To places at which someone was thinking of me
I feel the strongest when I am with someone
Who feel strongly about me,
But when I visited a person, who gave me only a casual thought
I was weak, only a faint whisper, and a phantom.
And there are others of my kind.
Here with me that would blow your mind
Folks that I thought I had left behind
But I am not here to tell you about them
Not at this time.
I encounter a great many that you call ghosts,
Yes there are a great many host here with me
Kept alive by people who remembered them.
Just as you all remember me
Here with me is some important historical personalities,
Centuries old, as well as those
I had known in our life time.
Girl I have joined with my mother, father and brothers
Even found my grandmother lingering at my grand-father's side,
There are others here that I do not recognize.
I noticed that some I encountered
Are quite complete and substantial,
While others are hardly here at all,
Just a trace of them remaining
I watched my funeral Catherine
With great interest,
I was disappointed that various people
I expected did not attend.
I was saddened when I watched my belongings
Being divided up; I watched helplessly as things
I cared about were thrown away, and things
I thought trivial were carefully preserved as remembrances.
And as time is passing
I am gradually watching my loved ones
Recovered from their loss
As they are slowing recognizing I was called
Home by the Great Boss.
When people think of me, I am with them.
You got it, nights are the best,
When they are lying down to rest
I am more alive when you all dreamed of me.
I sometimes talk to all of you.
Time, they say, heals all wounds.
But that isnít always true.
Itís takes a little more than that
By now it would seem man would know
One day girl youíll meet someone else
And if he isnít right be yourself and give him hell
I am pleased to find that you think such great thought of me
These thoughts was strong at first,
Kept alive by my family and friends
Especially by my sisters and brothers,
But as time is wearing on, they, like me, began to fade.
These days, my sisters think of me more often than my daughter
Or my friends do, yet I am only a tiny sliver of what I once was
Most of my thoughts have faded into an all consuming void,
And I can feel the rest of me slipping into it.
But know that I did better than most
See I got the chance to leave my mark on history,
And so when there is no one in the world left who remembers me,
Then I shall truly die.
And it is happening even now.
But Iíll still live with the father and our family here
So donít worry about me my love, let me go
And live your life
See one day weíll be together again
If youíll just get back to serving Christ
Love you Catherine with all my heart
Now go on, doing your thing as you can
Focus on the things that pleases God