Winter in My Heart

by Nathaniel Booker

She gave me her love
but I couldn't accept it;
thought she'd take it away
and I would sorely regret it.

She kissed me gently
and I turned away;
she asked how I felt,
I had nothing to say.

She reached for me
and I withdrew;
She said, “I only want
to be with you.”

I looked at her gently,
then I closed my eyes;
same response as always,
she wasn't surprised.

How can I tell her
I don't know how to feel;
I have love in my heart
but I'm not sure that it’s real.

Spring turns to summer,
then autumn plays its part,
but no matter what I do or what I say,
it’s always winter in my heart.

She brought home some passion
to rekindle my fire,
but other than the physical pleasure
I had no desire.

No desire for love
I didn't want to hold hands,
I wouldn't look to the future
she was not in my plans.

I couldn't trust her to love her,
although she loved me completely,
she thought that if she loved me
that her love would defeat me.

I looked at her solemnly
and to her I said,
all of the words
that often swirl in my head.

“My beautiful friend,
I cannot give what I do not possess,
I do not know love,
for me, betrayal is best.

I am the Ice Prince,
I am devoid of emotion,
My kisses spell death
to the likes of love and devotion.

I have an old soul,
it’s both my blessing and curse,
so the love that you feel for me
can never come first.”

“I care for you deeply,
I swear that I do,
I could tell you I love you
but it wouldn't be true.

You’re better of catching dreams
in the palm of your hand,
because the freezing depths of my heart,
you can never withstand.

I could take all of your love,
and I could be with you only,
but at the end your lifeline,
you'd be broken and lonely”

She looked at me softly
with tender tears in her eyes,
she ran from me, fled from me;
I wasn't surprised.

Several weeks later
when after work I came home,
all of her belongings were gone,
and I was there all alone.

A note in the bathroom
was all that remained,
her shade of lipstick on the mirror
is where she wrote out her shame.

“To my dearly beloved,
it’s with great pain that I write this,
but if my guess is correct,
my presence you do not miss.

I gave all that I had,
I gave you all that I could,
I gave you more love
than any one person should.

I know the depths of your pain,
and what fuels your deep inner sorrow,
I wanted to bear it,
I wanted to be your tomorrow.

But you just wouldn't let me,
you were so self absorbed;
I got nothing in return
for all of the love that I poured.

I know that you wanted
a bitter goodbye,
you wanted me to be angry
and with no tears in my eyes.

But I won't renege on the love
that I promised to you;
I might be saying good-bye
but I'm sad and I'm blue.

No words can describe,
and no emotion can measure,
the love that I have for you,
you’re really losing a treasure.

I pray you come around
and that you soon clear your head,
come claim the love that’s yours
when the Ice Prince is dead.
The love in my heart,
it can't wait forever,
I can't promise I'll be here,
so we might not be together.

Believe that I love you
it hurts so much to depart,
and that all the love I have for you
can't overcome the winter in your heart.”

I closed my eyes and I felt
an indescribable feeling,
somewhere deep in my heart,
the ice was revealing,

An inner warmth and a feeling
of deeply rooted emotion,
a need to be loved
and a desire for devotion.

The woman I love,
I let slip away;
My reflection looks accusingly,
I have nothing to say.

The Ice Prince is dead,
I can feel it, he’s gone,
but look how I've aged,
he’s been gone for so long.

I rushed from the house,
I headed to Church for Confession,
but I can't get inside
because of the Wedding Procession,

So I slip into the Church,
I sit in the very last pew,
I glimpse the Bride as she passes,
and to my horror, its you.

You look into my row
and our eyes lock with a start,
and in a flash every scene plays
that was buried deep in my heart.

I find myself reaching,
but I failed and I faltered,
when I look up there you are,
standing before the altar.

“If these two shouldn't marry,
I ask that you speak now,
the Holy Father beseeched,
and I just held my head down.

I wanted you, needed you,
but I couldn't deny,
another man who appreciated,
what I failed to see in your eyes.

Your wedding vows were said
and your devotions exchanged,
it’s not me that your marrying,
and it suddenly feels strange.

All eyes are upon me
as I'm standing here crying,
the final block of ice chipped away
and I feel like I'm dying.

I stand outside of the Church
with all of the rice throwers
and I watch as you pass
and you toss away your flowers.

You walk up to me
before you float out of my life,
and I can't help but be jealous and covet,
another man’s wife.

“I can see that you’re sad,
and I know you've been crying,
but you’re a beautiful man,
there is no denying.

You’re hurting right now,
I am not going to gloat,
it hurts you’ll be sailing
alone in that boat.

But I know someday if you let it,
your heart will find love,
and all the joy you deserve
that you've never dreamt of.

And I for my part,
deep in my heart I will miss you,
I'll cry tears of joy and
dab my eyes with a tissue.”

Finally she said
as she turned to depart,
“So this is what it took
to melt the ice within you heart.”

I watched her as she rode away
to the life I refused to give her
I thought I would be bitter,
but I only longed to be there with her.

A tear rolled down my cheek,
and dried in the Summer air;
No more crying, no more dying,
now my heart has love to share.

Now I know the seasons change,
summer and spring and then autumn plays its part,
But I vow to look for love and hold on to it,
there’s no more winter in my heart.

Winter in My Heart by Nathaniel Booker

© Copyright 2005. All rights reserved. No portion of this work may be duplicated or copied without the expressed written consent of the author.

TimBookTu Logo

Return to the Table of Contents | Return to Main Page