Little Boy, Lost

by Nathaniel Booker

Silently while you slept,
The man you called your boyfriend
In the darkness of our home
And into the bedroom
Where I slept...

Under the threat that you'd 
Hate me, and bodily harm
He ensure he could always
To the room where I
And night after night he
And because of this
I've been so...

So many nights I'd pretend I was
Praying he wouldn't enter
But the floorboards would creak,
And the warning they'd speak
Is that I'd be living my nightmare
Again and again and again...

I'd hold my breath and I'd keep
Very still
So that he wouldn't violate me
Against my will
And maybe, just maybe
He'd just go away...

Little Boy, Lost
In vain I would pray...

He'd pry back the sheets
That I'd hold so tight
And pull me close to him
With all of his might
"You'd better not cry..."
is what he would say
I tried not to cry 
And I'd wish him away...
But a slap in the face
Is what I would get
For not "loving" him back
My reality check

"I'm only a boy..." 
I can hear myself say...
Little Boy, Lost
In pain I would pray...

He'd pull my head to his chest
And say "Kiss my breast"
And squeeze my neck very hard
To put me at rest.
Holding my 'boyhood' in the palm of 
His hand,
He'd squeeze so tight
That I still weep as a man,
Pain would resonate through my 
Body although I begged him to 

He'd just cover my mouth and pull me
On top

I cry still today at the
Humiliation and pain
Begging and pleading
And weeping in vain...

I thank God I was 6
And too little to enter
He'd spew, "Push you little Bitch!"
But he never could enter

Little Boy, Lost 
Crying in pain...
Living out this nightmare
Again and again...

"Get on your knees
and open your mouth"... "What?"
Twisting my arm, he would force me
"...Now open your mouth!"

I'd clinch my teeth to my lips
So hard they would bleed
And cry kneeling before him 
But through my tears
I could see--
The anger building in his eyes
As he lost his patience
He picked me up by my neck,
To kill my resistance

Forcing me down on my knees
With himself in his hand 
"Now suck!" he would say to me
As I tried to withstand
The onslaught of this unwanted
Sexual assault...
As a man I tell the boy in me
"It was not your fault"

Little Boy, Lost
His childhood...denied...
Always smiling and laughing,
But dying inside...

Looking up at this man
Who I hated and feared
I learned to vomit at will,
Rather than give him oral pleasure
And he'd smack me to the floor
And leave closing my door...

In the middle of the floor
Curled up in a ball
I'd cry my heart out
And ask again and again "Why?"
What pleasure was there in hurting 
One so very small?...

Little Boy, Lost
In a sea of despair,
Drowning in sorrow
Can't come up for air
Mother and sisters unaware
That he suffered
No comfort ever came
And his pain was not buffered.

No one knows still today
I fear they won't understand
How a child's pain can hurt
And destroy him as a man

Little Boy, Lost
This is the price that I pay
Weeping without reason
To some it may seem
But for me it's never waking
From a heart wrenching dream...

But this is my nightmare...
My innocence...lost...
Forever uncertain...
So heavy the cost

Little Boy in my mind, For my mind is the mirror
Little Boy in my heart, his eyes full of terror
Little Boy inside of me
Overwhelmed by his loss...

Please don't cry Little Boy...

Little Boy, Lost...

Little Boy, Lost by Nathaniel Booker

© Copyright 2003. All rights reserved. No portion of this work may be duplicated or copied without the expressed written consent of the author.

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