Inside Of Me
by Arethia Hornsby
He pushed himself deep inside me and with each thrust my body eagerly received him. Our bodies were oiled with the sheen of our passion. I was holding him tightly, never letting him go. My eyes were squeezed shut, as colors flashed through my brain. Hot bright pulsating colors: red, orange, yellow, swirling around and around. "Baby, baby, give me all of you. Give me all your love," he purred into my ear. With one hand he pulled me closer, with the other, he stroked my face. "Give me all of you," he whispered. The words started an exotic refrain. Then they got mixed up. "Give all you, me give, me give". Finally, the fireworks exploded sending sparks everywhere!
We both cried out from the sheer force of our passion. My breath was coming in gulps and my heart was racing. Slowly…. The fireworks subsided. I released my grip. My arms dropping to the pillow…. My legs, trembling fell on the crumpled sheets.
Rolling over on my side, I pulled myself into a fetal position. He rolled over also. Breathing loudly, he let out a shout! "Baby, it gets better and better!" The bed shifted with his weight as he sat up reaching for his cigarettes. Funny, he didn’t smoke at home. I stayed curled up; my eyes still tightly shut. Reality was trying so hard to push its way into this moment. "No, don’t say anything", I keep thinking. I hugged myself, willing the words to go away. The red haze was being lifted…replaced with a cold reality.
I knew what his next move would be as he got up, heading for the bathroom, to the shower. He had to wash off the smell of sex…. to wash and remove all traces of me. All traces of what we had just done. To wash and wash until he was clean enough to go home to his wife.
"Baby," he called from the bathroom, "if you want to stay until tomorrow that’s fine. The suite is paid for. Enjoy, relax, get room service, and eat in bed". We had just eaten in bed, I thought.... You ate my love, my body, and my mind and now its time to brush off the crumbs and be off, and go home to your wife.
I heard him come back into the bedroom. I had not moved. "Hey", he sat down on the side of the bed. The right side.... HIS side. "Hey, baby", he touches my shoulder, gently, with his fingertips. The touch sent the roaring even LOUDER. Opening my eyes, the first thing I saw was the clock. The small travel clock he always carried with us to hotels. "I don’t trust wake-up calls; I carry my own time", he boasted. It was 11:10 p.m. He would be home at a decent hour.
My time is up. MY time is up; it was like a jingle that bubbled into my thoughts. "Are you O.K.?" His hand was now on my neck. It felt like a chokehold. Staring at that clock, I felt hot tears pushing their way out of my eyes. My mind keeps shouting the words it wanted to say. "NO", I screamed again and again in my head.
"What’s up with you," he mumbled. "Hey don’t start tripping on me!" I felt the bed move again as he got up. I heard the grunt of his displeasure. "What’s up? What is it? What’s wrong?" His voice no longer was purring, it ruled with indignation. It was cold, and distant…. so soon. A new refrain replaced, "your time is up!" It was replaced with "so soon, so soon, sooo…soon" Then they all got mixed up, "So soon, your time is up so soon, your time so soon is up".
"Say it!" my head was screaming. My breathing was matched to my thumping heart. "I want…I want"… I whispered. I could go no further. When from Somewhere deep with-in me; this feeling came! The force of it overpowered every cell in my body. I jackknifed out of the bed! Standing, I faced him! My body still wet from our lust, my eyes were bulging. This feeling it was so powerful. "I want you inside of me". There, my mind was racing. Now, you’ve done it! Uh Oh!
"Inside of you. I was just inside of you". The baffled look on his face was almost comical. This tall, handsome, intelligent, wealthy man did not have a clue what I was talking about. My eyes locked into his eyes, the window of the soul, into his soul, and saw nothing. Had I ever saw anything? "I want you inside of me always" .The words were spoken slowly. The roaring in my head came back with a WHOOSH! Of all the words I had just said, the last word had changed the air in the room. "Always".
Lighting a cigarette, he slowly stood up. "You can’t have me always. I’m married you know that. I don’t love her. I love you; but it’s about money. You know that. She would take everything". He was speaking as to a child with limited understanding, " Come here", he beckoned. His arms opened. Shaking my head no, I stood my ground. "I want you inside of me always". This time I spoke louder, and stronger, with more strength. My mouth felt dry. The roaring was so loud, couldn’t he hear the roaring? My chest was heavy with the labor of my breathing.
The words. Finally, the words pushed past me. Rushing up from my soul, dragging me along. They had wanted to be heard. And now they flew forth. Tears were streaming down my face. "When you are in me… your soul, your spirit, connects to me. We become one." The words were coming with such force. "You give me your seed, your life force. You deposit your spirit in me. Then, you disconnect. But, you leave behind a bond."
I felt this strength coming into me. Pushing more words out. "Do you know? Do you understand? You take a part of me. You tear off a piece of me, replacing it with you. And I allow it," I said sadly. The tears were rivers on my face. Running down my neck, my chest. "You say you want all of me, but I can’t have but a taste of you". She cupped her hands as the tears flowed with a deep hollowness, hot tears that bled shame and hurt. She caught her tears in her hand; walking over to him, s he put her tears on his face. "These tears are from my eyes, because this is wrong. I know this is wrong. Dear God, Please"…. she was now dropping to her knees in front of him. " I’ve made you my god. I’ve made…"
He exploded, "Hold on, hold on" as he backed away from me. "What’s with you? Why are you tripping? Look I’ve got to go", stuffing his shirt into his pants, he was pissed. Everything about him let me know that he was a pissed-off man. I had crossed the line. "Why does this God… this God thing always come up"? He was putting his belt on. Grabbing his coat, his face was set.
The strangest thing was happening. The roaring was calming down! There was a feeling I had never felt before. It pulled me up from the floor. Naked,
I faced him again. This time, it was the feeling that was talking. The feeling had taken over. It was the feeling of power! "This is the last time I ever want to see you". I spoke the words calmly, to make myself understood.
"Please leave, so that I may bathe".
Looking her up and down, he shook his head and turned to walk out the door. Pausing, with his back to me, he said more to himself then to me.
"And the funny thing is, I really do love you, I love you and you know I do. But, she would take everything from me. I never lied to you. I never told you any lies." He turned to face me; his face was wet with big, sloppy tears. "I’ve got too much to lose. I love you, you love me………..
"No", I said shaking my head. "We don’t love one another, we lust for each other. Please leave. I need more. I deserve more. I’m begging you please leave. This is wrong. I know better. I don’t know about you, but I know better. Go now, please." The feeling, this power was pushing him out. Ordering him out and he turned and left.
When the door had closed, I dropped down. No, I was pushed down, back to my knees, begging God for his forgiveness. And, then I knew what the power was. It was the Light, God’s Light. I had finally opened my eyes to God’s Light and felt so ashamed. But the Light kept saying, over and over…
"You are forgiven. The moment you ask in your heart and confess with your mouth, you are forgiven. You are forgiven of all your sins. Not just this day, this sin, but of all your sins. I paid the price for this room, not the man that just left you. I paid the price for your whole body. I paid the price for your soul. I paid the price way back on Calvary. I paid with my blood. By my stripes you are healed, that you may have a right to the tree of eternal life. I’ve been inside of you all this time.
Who do you think carried you all this time? Me, the Spirit that lives inside your heart and soul; the Spirit that brought you to this place of repentance. I dwell inside you. How much more intimate can anyone be? My sweet child, I am what you are looking for. I will never leave you, nor Forsake you. I am not fleeting. I am not fickle and I am not unfaithful. I will abide in you Forever.
I AM God!!! !
I will love you forever, and forever, and forever, until the end of time I will dwell inside you, FOREVER!!!!