by Alena Harris

I have wondered what has kept me here for so long.
When I know I'm not truly happy.
I have been searching forever for outside things to make me happy.
And for a moment I am numb.
I feel what I think is happy and then it goes away and I am left alone again.
So then if happy is not here with you then why am I here?
I can't explain it.
All I know is that I'm giving and secretly wishing you would give back.
I want to be strong. I fake my strength because you are what makes me
Why do you have this control?
Why did I give you this control?
When did I lose control?
With every passing hour and day I tell myself to leave because there is
nothing good here and nothing good will happen the longer I stay.
I'm rotting from the inside out and I believe it's beginning to show
because I'm starting to hate my reflection.
But you don't see it. You are not aware.
You think that everything is "cool".
But it is not. And I can't fix my mouth to tell you so.
I continue to numb myself with you because I feel there is nothing else.
Though I know better but I can't stop or I won't stop.
No matter how mad you make me I keep coming back for more.
Making excuses for what you did and hoping you will act better.
But you never do.
And I haven't learned yet.
I keep telling myself you can do better and to go after what I want.
But what I really want is for you to appreciate me, care for me, listen
to me, look at me and understand me.
All of the things I know deep inside you will never do.
And you will never be my protector, my greatest love, my man, my
husband or my friend.
I know it's wrong. I know you are wrong.
But you are the only one here.
You are the only one making me numb.
You are the only one making me "Happy".

Numb by Alena Harris

© Copyright 2002. All rights reserved. No portion of this work may be duplicated or copied without the expressed written consent of the author.

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